Parents doing FBT often struggle with “normal parenting concerns” and setting limits while doing FBT. They’re refeeding their teens at home, doing the hard work often done by professional staff at treatment centers, but they still have to parent. It’s exhausting. Their teens who have eating disorders are often experiencing the psychological and physical consequences of malnutrition while also being a teen and facing the challenges that typically come with that stage of life —social and academic pressures, family stresses, desire for more independence, and puberty.
It’s not uncommon for teens to be a little rebellious or to challenge limits. Some parents may feel they should ignore any defiance from teens in recovery or may be afraid to confront behaviors they would normally not tolerate in their children. Other parents may want to clamp down on all undesirable behaviors.
In FBT we talk about separating the child from the eating disorder and joining with and loving your child while waging war against the eating disorder threatening your teen’s life. This model may be helpful in decisions about how to parent. I recommend first trying to determine whether the behaviors you are concerned about are part of the ED or not.
This may not be obvious at first glance, but if defiance or anger or disrespectful language or threatening behavior comes out at, just before, or after meals or during an FBT appointment or a weight check—or around discussions of food, body, the eating disorder, or treatment—assume it’s the eating disorder and not your child. Remember that your child with an eating disorder has a decreased ability to regulate emotions as a result of malnourishment and that they are in a state of terror at these times. This is the fight-or-flight reaction seen during episodes of high anxiety. The eating disorder will make them lash out in hopes of avoiding the source of the anxiety (food, weighing, etc.). During those moments, I recommend speaking to them compassionately and recognizing the underlying emotion of anxiety, and not reprimanding the behavior in the moment.
During times outside of meals or treatment—which may seem few and far between for those just beginning this journey—this behavior is less likely to “be the ED.” At these times, you should parent largely as you would normally do, with the caveat that your child is under increased stress from treatment. If you would normally reprimand or give a consequence to your child for inappropriate language, staying out after curfew, or screaming at you, feel free to do so. You do not have to tolerate rudeness and defiance and can require appropriate behavior.
As you do this, do keep in mind that the intense process of recovery—including exposure to what is often 6 meals per day—is putting your child under additional stress. I like to remind parents that in many cases, teens go to residential treatment centers. While these centers have their pros and cons, one helpful aspect of residential treatment is that it removes the teen from the everyday stresses of school and home life (annoying brother, curious extended family, and heavy academic loads, etc.) so they can focus entirely on treatment. It can be easy to overlook how these stressors add up.
You might want to pick your battles so your teen doesn’t feel battered all the time. Some smaller things—like clothes on the floor of their room or not cleaning their bathroom—may need to be overlooked. You will want to prioritize addressing behaviors that affect you—for example, rude language—or that interfere with the goals of treatment, including weight gain and normalizing eating. So, if your teen doesn’t come back in time from an outing with friends and misses a snack or meal, that would be a high priority to address. On the other hand, you might choose to let go of their not going to bed on time (as long as it doesn’t keep them from getting up in time for breakfast).
If you are unsure whether the behaviors are part of the eating disorder or not and how to respond, I encourage you to consider whether their behavior is different than it was prior to the eating disorder. A normal developmental trajectory may be contributing to the changes in behavior. An older adolescent may be more challenging of authority and may exhibit behaviors that were not a part of the repertoire 6 to 9 months earlier, before the start of the eating disorder. If the behavior is different, consider whether it might be related to the stress of recovery, the result of malnutrition, or something else entirely. If it seems different and/or persists, speak to your treatment providers or have your child assessed. It may be that they have another mental health disorder that needs to be addressed. If the behaviors were there before the eating disorder, you should also talk to your treatment providers and see if additional support is needed to help you address them.
Finally, keep in mind that this is a tough time. You have a lot on your plate. Parenting and treating an eating disorder is a lot all at once. Try to separate your teen from their eating disorder and develop a list of priority behaviors to address so you don’t take on too much at once. Talk to your treatment team about your concerns. And remember you don’t have to abdicate all parenting just because you are also on their treatment team.
Two of my favorite teen parenting books:
Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall?: A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager by Anthony E. Wolf
Parenting Teens with Love and Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood by Jim Fay and Foster Cline